Memorial Day Memories

BEFORE...this was always just another day off work to sit out in the sun and play in the water with friends. I never gave much thought to the meaning of the holiday, the remembrance of those who fought and died so that I can have days off work to sit in the sun in freedom and play in the water without worrying about bombs landing nearby. But that all changed for me on May 13, 2005.


 Just 2 weeks and 2 days before Memorial Day in 2005, my father died of a massive brain tumor. He was a veteran but because it was so close to Memorial Day, the local armed forces could not spare enough men to give him the traditional 21 gun salute or have someone there to play Taps. He did have the flag draped over his coffin but I remember being so incensed that he could give so many years of his life to his country and they couldn't give him 2 hours for a funeral. I focused on that anger and blocked out all other feelings at the time. It's taken me these 5 years in full to begin to come to terms with the loss of my father and the impact that had on my life. He was not only a hero to our country, he was my personal hero and I love him so much!

Now, on May 13th, I may or may not consciously think about the loss of my father, but when Memorial Day arrives and the memories that this association carries with his funeral come to mind, I always think of my Dad. I have not been out to visit his grave site yet. For awhile, I drove by the Floral Haven Funeral Home and graveyard every day on the way to work and I'd always whisper to myself  "Hi, Dad...I miss you". When leaving Tulsa to move down to Ardmore a few years ago, I felt a deep  need to go visit the grave site but upon arriving and parking in the vicinity of the American flags that mark the veteran portion of the grave yard, I realized to my dismay that I couldn't find the exact spot where my father lay. It was devastating to me and I just sat on a bench somewhere near where he is buried and just cried and prayed. Then I left for what would turn out to be the two most difficult years of my life. Years when I felt abandoned by my father and lost without his support and guidance. And during that time, I lost touch with my Heavenly Father as well. Life became very difficult and I felt very alone.


But today, I know Dad didn't leave me and God didn't take him away from me. God chose to welcome him on in to heaven where he would receive complete healing and joy and peace. And today, I know that God never tried to hurt me or make my life hard. The choices that I made during that time caused the difficulty that I went through. That's me there, in Dad's loving and protective arms when I was but 2 years old. Today, I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I had really been on my own, without God's love and silent protection, my life would have been oh, SOOO much harder than it was.

So, today, I am able to celebrate rather than mourn. I remember fondly, not sadly. The tears are joyful, not painful. And I look forward, with great anticipation, to the someday when I will see my dad again, hold his hand, give him a long, hard hug and tell him how very much I love and have missed him! And the reunion will be such a sweet, joyful day for both of us!

Mom and Dad, 2004

Sunday: A Day of Rest and Attempted Relaxation

The dishes are in the sink...waiting. The unfinished outline for my 10-page research paper is still sitting beside me on the desk. Toys are scattered across the floor and switching mine and Chelsea's rooms around is a project on permanent hold. But I've wracked up over 2000 points on Facebook's Family Feud and am having a peaceful afternoon enjoying Chelsea's dancing to country hits in the front room. And, at the end of the day, I know the FlyLady will understand! You can visit her site at www.flylady.net where she will walk you baby-step-by-baby-step through the process of getting and keeping your house in order and encourage you all over the place, every step of the way! (UPDATE: Make that 4000 pts. on Family Feud :O)

OK, so I'm not that good at relaxing...I can't stay on the couch with the heating pad, no matter how hard I try! So at the moment, I have the heating pad crammed behind me against a pillow here at the desk, but when I'm at the desk (actually, the kitchen table-turned-desk), here in the dining "area" of my little 900 sq. ft. apartment, where I have full view of the kitchen and living room...and the dishes, and the folded laundry on the couch, and the toys on the floor, and the trash that needs to be taken out...well, I find it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to stay put!!! So, after playing a little more Family Feud, I decided to avoid ALL housework because, well--I have an injured back. And what better way to take care of my back than to cook Chelsea a big pot of goulash! A three-part process that took me nearly an hour, but she and Bethany--who is here to spend the night again since, well, we didn't even make it home Friday evening and Saturday was spent at the doctor's office, so her overnighter wasn't much fun (this is the "make-up overnighter")--she and Bethany LOVE the goulash.

Goulash is a favorite around here...and it's different every time! One of the ways we survive without an income is through food stamps and WIC ("Women, Infants and Children", a government program similar to food stamps for low-income pregnant women and mother's of small children). On WIC, we get beans, beans and more beans! Thankfully, my little one loves beans and when I hide them in a casserole, Bethany likes them, too. Tonight's goulash was a mishmash of taco-seasoning-flavored ground beef, fire-roasted canned tomato chunks, fresh garlic, great northern beans and small elbow macaroni (which hides the beans as they are the same color and size--sneaky, sneaky!) I mixed a little three-cheese ranch into the sauce before adding the macaroni then topped the whole thing off with thickly shredded mild cheddar cheese and baked it at 300 for about 30 minutes until the cheese melted down into the mixture and started to turn golden on top. Delicious!So my goal for the rest of the evening, now that Bethany has arrived, is to let the girls play together and actually watch a TV show (from beginning to end!!!) that doesn't include colorful animals singing cute little catchy songs...maybe something with murder, mayhem and mystery or I may just watch an entire movie! WOW! What a thought! I don't have any idea what "grown up" shows are on Sunday nights, so rare is the evening when Chelsea's not in my immediate shadow at every moment. But I don't mind, she IS my little shadow and I love her!

Car wrecked!

Car wrecks are one on life's little unexpected events that can either change your life or just make you wake up and smell the roses.

Yesterday, I woke up a little.

Baby Chelsea is fine, big sis Bethany hit her head on the dash but seems to be fine. We were all wearing seatbelts, but Bethany was on her knees. Just moments before, she had been UP on her knees with her head half out the window to feel the breeze. We'd been talking about how important it is to sit right so the seatbelt would work correctly in an accident. She'd made it to sitting, but not on her hinny. Still, the seatbelt kept her from careening right through the windshield. She says it hurts when she blinks her eye.

Chelsea's going to be spending the day with Nana so Bethany and I can go on into the minor emergency clinic this morning. We should have been there already, but Chelsea kept waking up screaming, I think from nightmarish memories of the accident. I finally just picked her up and snuggled her in bed between me and Bethany, and she was finally able to stay asleep, although two more times, I had to rub her tummy as she started to get upset, which calmed her down enough to allow her to stay asleep.

So, at the moment, through no fault of my own and with no money of my own, I'm driving a brand-spanking new Mazda3 4-door compact, fully equipped with a beautiful shiny maroon paint job. I'm lovin' it!

I'm at this point making decisions about cars, have been for a week or so. I'll be getting my first student loan installment in the next few weeks and the question has been to buy a cheaper car quicker with the first installment or set some of it aside until the second payment arrives and then buy a newer, nicer car, cash down. I was convinced before I even got back home from the rental company--I'm waiting to get a newer car! If my Mirage is totaled, I may have to get a little junker for the next 4 or 5 mo. with whatever the insurance company pays me because I have no backup car to drive...but it sure would be awesome to be able to add the insurance money to the student loan money and find something great! Well...who know, it could happen!

Introductions are in order...

This is the second attempt to set this up! The first one's lost in digitoland...

Introducing: Teresa and Chelsea!

We are two women making it on our own!

I'm back in school for the third major attempt--this has to be the final one! I'm set to graduate with my Bachelor's next summer, then straight into my Master's in Occupational Therapy so I can earn enough to really take care of this little one.

Teresa and Chelsea, May 2010

I work on the weekends as an assistant to a Home Health Care Aide in a local retirement home. I say assistant--I do the job on the weekends so she can take off, she does the job during the week. So it's pretty good training for my future and for my resume :O)

I am 43 years old with two older children--Matthew and Bethany. Matthew is 12 years old and Bethany is 8. They are from my 19 year marriage and when I went through a very difficult few years prior to and during the separation, we both decided it was best for the children if they stayed with their Dad. He is a wonderful man and takes great care of them. I trust him with my life!

WELL...2 years after the separation, I met Chelsea's father. It was wonderful for 6 months and we were pregnant the month after we got engaged. It was a year and a half of hell after that and it took over 6 months for me to make that final break. But here we are...no real income, no real job, no real money--but we're on our way and we will survive!!!

Matthew and Bethany, April 2010