Memorial Day Memories

BEFORE...this was always just another day off work to sit out in the sun and play in the water with friends. I never gave much thought to the meaning of the holiday, the remembrance of those who fought and died so that I can have days off work to sit in the sun in freedom and play in the water without worrying about bombs landing nearby. But that all changed for me on May 13, 2005.


 Just 2 weeks and 2 days before Memorial Day in 2005, my father died of a massive brain tumor. He was a veteran but because it was so close to Memorial Day, the local armed forces could not spare enough men to give him the traditional 21 gun salute or have someone there to play Taps. He did have the flag draped over his coffin but I remember being so incensed that he could give so many years of his life to his country and they couldn't give him 2 hours for a funeral. I focused on that anger and blocked out all other feelings at the time. It's taken me these 5 years in full to begin to come to terms with the loss of my father and the impact that had on my life. He was not only a hero to our country, he was my personal hero and I love him so much!

Now, on May 13th, I may or may not consciously think about the loss of my father, but when Memorial Day arrives and the memories that this association carries with his funeral come to mind, I always think of my Dad. I have not been out to visit his grave site yet. For awhile, I drove by the Floral Haven Funeral Home and graveyard every day on the way to work and I'd always whisper to myself  "Hi, Dad...I miss you". When leaving Tulsa to move down to Ardmore a few years ago, I felt a deep  need to go visit the grave site but upon arriving and parking in the vicinity of the American flags that mark the veteran portion of the grave yard, I realized to my dismay that I couldn't find the exact spot where my father lay. It was devastating to me and I just sat on a bench somewhere near where he is buried and just cried and prayed. Then I left for what would turn out to be the two most difficult years of my life. Years when I felt abandoned by my father and lost without his support and guidance. And during that time, I lost touch with my Heavenly Father as well. Life became very difficult and I felt very alone.


But today, I know Dad didn't leave me and God didn't take him away from me. God chose to welcome him on in to heaven where he would receive complete healing and joy and peace. And today, I know that God never tried to hurt me or make my life hard. The choices that I made during that time caused the difficulty that I went through. That's me there, in Dad's loving and protective arms when I was but 2 years old. Today, I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I had really been on my own, without God's love and silent protection, my life would have been oh, SOOO much harder than it was.

So, today, I am able to celebrate rather than mourn. I remember fondly, not sadly. The tears are joyful, not painful. And I look forward, with great anticipation, to the someday when I will see my dad again, hold his hand, give him a long, hard hug and tell him how very much I love and have missed him! And the reunion will be such a sweet, joyful day for both of us!

Mom and Dad, 2004